I am a sixteen year old girl who's trying to live her life by her own terms and not anybody else's. I've learned when I was younger that it was habit for people to barge in everybody else's business. But I wasn't having any of that. So I learned that it was better to not care what other people thought of you especially if you're not doing anything wrong.
I have glasses. I am near-sighted and pretty much a lost cause when I'm not wearing my personal binoculars since everything looks blurry. I have brown hair - sometimes dark, sometimes not so much depending on the light. I am underweight since I don't eat much but not for fear of getting fat; it is only because I don't like rice so much which is a staple food here in my country.
I just started college. I'm on my first semester and it's been crazy.
And it went so fast. It's already been four months. I remember when I used to be in high school. I always thought how much I wanted to get out of there and how much I can't wait to go to college. It was for different reasons. Mainly because I couldn't take to be kept in the four walls of my classroom. I'm the kind of person who loves her freedom more than she loves her coffee at 4:30 in the morning. Which is a lot.
I don't want anything bounding me, keeping me in chains and out of the sky, which if I had wings, I would have already explored endlessly. But I doubt I would've memorized every cloud and every bit of that sky because the sky, like a few other things, is infinite.
I like to write. I have a fanfiction and fictionpress account. But I haven't really written stories for my fictionpress account. I dream to be an authoress someday and publish my works. Sometimes it hurts me when people belittle authors. I mean, that's what we'd like to be doing and given the chance to be reincarnated again, I don't think I would choose any other career - someday - but to be a writer and I wouldn't choose to be any other but myself.
Now that sounds a bit cliche.
But if you had your way would you change who you are?
I think not.
People should accept who they are - faults and all. But even I used to wish I was someone else. But now I think that you really can't change who you are and if your friends can't find any fault in your very being, you need to stop struggling with yourself and your doubts. I don't think it's uncommon that people pretend to be someone they're not. But would you want other people to like you for something you're truly not? That would be really sad.
I am taking up BS Development Communication.
My friends and the people around me kept asking what this was all about. To be perfectly honest, when I chose this course, I have no inkling of what it was supposed to be. But it had "communication" on it so I thought I'd want that because of my writing tendencies. My first choice was actually Communication Arts but it was a good thing I didn't pass that one because Communication Arts, as I learned later, is all about theater. I love theater. I love watching theater and seeing kids strut their stuff. But I have no talent. As in zero talent. That's why it was a huge relief to be in the Development Communication course. I started to love it in the very first day that my professors discussed what DevCom was really about.
And what was it about?
It was Communication for Development.
It's that simple.
I am inclined to say that it is like Journalism and Mass Communication because they both dabble with the same basics. But the huge difference was that in the end, our course was FOR Development. For progress, for improvement, for the betterment of the country and the people residing in that nation.
It's eight thirty in the morning now and I have classes at ten and I still haven't showered. But this feels more important than Politics I classes.
So what happened yesterday?
I left my home for Elbi is what happened. I love my home - there's just no other place. Anyway, I was on the bus and the whole time, my mind was going into overdrive. I kept thinking of my best friend, of my future, of the present. It was really weird thinking that much. It was as if my head was going to explode. I actually thought a lot of stuff and I wish now that I documented some of those.
The whole bus ride, I felt like magic.
Seriously.
But things have a bad habit of being washed away so suddenly that you feel bereft and cold. But at that time, at that bus, with two women cramped beside me but I wasn't being annoyed about it, I really truly felt like magic.
Why did I feel like I've done the best trick ever in the world?
Heck I don't know either.
It's just when I think of my best friend and our plans for Halloween, I can't help thinking, "Ariane you did good."
My best friend and I have known each other for five years now. I miss her sometimes I have angina - chest pain HAHAHA (I have a long exam later but fuck it) - but when we see each other, it feels like no time has passed. My best friend is a very quiet person but once you get to know her, she's actually insane like me, like the rest of our gang.
Anyway, I arrived at Elbi with a sinking feeling and I was being depressed slightly. (
So I arrived at our room - I'm in a dorm - and I felt suffocated. As if somebody threw a plastic bag at my head and I can't do anything about it. But then I did the good student thing and went to my first class which was English I. We had a long exam but I didn't review and at that point I couldn't care less about Outlining and Paragraph Development at that time. Actually, now that I'm writing this, I still couldn't care less.
We had the exam and it was rather difficult but with my emotions about less than a brick wall it turned out fine and I couldn't care less with the results.
That's one of the phrases I always say.
Couldn't care less.
My seatmate was freaking out and I wanted to throw a book at her but I don't think that would be very nice and I can't actually do that since i'm not a violent person. Later on, we had the recitation class for Politics I. Politics I was really good since we tackled about real life this time and not about political persona and whatnot.
Our professor talked about how those people who had gotten a Master's Degree, Ph.D and all the degrees in the world couldn't compare with the people who were smart enough to deal with business and who were getting richer and richer not because of their IQ but because of their tactics and moves.
And she was actually right.
More than half of what you learn in school wouldn't be much of use in the real world.
And I started to feel...
what was it? what was it called?
Yeah.
Fear.
I fear for a lot of things. I'm afraid of lizards, frogs and once upon a time, I was afraid of the dark and outright refused to turn off the light.
But my fear this time was that I couldn't hack it. What if I couldn't make it? What if the life I imagined wouldn't be the one I would have in the future? What if I turn out to be a total crap?
And the fear was really huge like a dark cloud looming overhead and there's nothing you can do but watch - with all your fear but with all your strength as well - and wait for the rain to fall and to finally watch it pass away in silence and peace. I was always patient when it comes to many things. But I'm getting restless and I can't shake this feeling off.
Sometimes I'm happy.
Sometimes I'm way too sad.
Sometimes I want to kick people in the ass for being so stupid.
Sometimes I want people to kick me in the ass for being so stupid.
Always, I am overly moody and I overthink things.
Yesterday night, my roommates and I bought ice cream. Then we fooled around in the benches and stuff and we ended up with a blown-up balloon and a note for my roommate's friend and we stuck the balloon in a tree along with the note.
Then we finally went to our dormitory with one of my roommates kicking a bottled water along the way making a police officer pull over and reprimanded us for making a racket.
Then I slept with "Never Let Me Go" by Florence + The Machine on repeat in my phone.
Have you ever heard of this song?
If you scrutinize the lyrics, you'd find it was about suicide.
I want to say a lot of things about that and the book called Looking For Alaska but it's nine o'clock now and I still need to shower.
Maybe next time. Maybe tonight.
"Never Let Me Go" always makes me cry.
Except now because my roommate is in the room with me.
An hour later
Here I am now, still in my bed but at least I've finally showered. I was absent for my Politics I class and I didn't mind one bit. We were only going to play this Interactive game called Democracy 2. In this game, you get to be the president of your very own country and you try to run it smoothly. It's a bit boring but it really gives you something to think about and how our presidents have got these decisions to make for the whole country.
I have a class come eleven-thirty but I don't want to move.
But I will move.
For I have a long exam about Nutrition & Healthy Lifestyle. *rolls eyes*
I have approximately ten minutes to get ready now.
Looking out from underneath~
Bye. xx |
| That's supposed to be me :)) |
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